My cure for the pain
by SaturnMax
Summary: Ren is in depression for everything that he has done but especially one thing. YohRen, was a Oneshot, so the following chapters are not as good. And I suck at summaries, it is better then it sounds. All kinds of Ren yaoi fluff!
1. Yoh, my cure

SaturnMax: This is going to be a YohRen one shot. Slight depression from Ren, not portrayed very well though.

Ren: Just get my torture over with.

SM: Okay! I do not own SK.

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Yoh's house, Ren's room

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It was meant to make the pain go away. So why is it that it hasn't? Why does the pain still linger in my mind? Why does it still hurt so much? It's not fair, why does it happen to me. How can anyone stand so much pain?

Ren looked down at his blood stained arm. The cuts he had put there were drenching the blanket under him. The cuts he put on his arm was a daily activity for him now. He had already filled up one arm with them and now he was working on his other. No one had noticed or if they had no one had said anything to him. Who would dare? Ren raised the blade he had to make another cut, then there was a knock on the door and Yoh walked straight in.

"Hi Ren I was just . . ." Yoh started until he noticed Ren's arm, the blood and the poised blade. "What are you doing!" Yoh shouted at Ren.

Ren looked down carefully at his arm. "Getting rid of the pain." Ren grabbed the blade tighter.

Yoh just looked at Ren. "By causing more." Yoh looked at the floor. "What is so wrong with your life that you're doing this?" But Yoh already knew some of that. "If it's about your past then you could just talk about it and not have to do this."

Ren scowled at his friend. "It's not about that. Not entirely."

Yoh looked back up to see pain filled eyes. "You can't do this to yourself. It's sick. I won't let you."

Ren narrowed his eyes. "Just watch me." He was about to make another cut on his arm when Yoh ran to him and grabbed the arm with the blade.

The grip sent a wave of pain threw Ren's arm. "I won't let you!" Yoh repeated. He took the blade from Ren and threw it at the door. It got trapped in the wood and closed the door from the impact. "Tell me why."

Ren stared at Yoh in shock. He never thought he would get this kind of behaviour from his calm friend. "It's none of your business."

"Yes it is." Yoh said clearly. "If it's about one of my friends then it's my business."

There were tears forming on the edge of Ren's eyes. "I hate myself. I can feel the pain of all the people I have hurt and killed." Yoh looked in shock at his friend but didn't interrupt. "I have hurt so many people and I hate myself for each of them. I especially hate myself for the pain I have caused you."

Yoh let go of Ren's arm and stepped back from him. "I don't care about that. I never really did. Why does it matter so much to you?"

"Because it could happen again." Ren got up from his seated position on his bed and walked to the window. "I can't even think about hurting you again. It would be so hard." He looked over at his shocked friend. "But I can see I'm hurting you at the moment."

Yoh walked over to his confused companion. "You actually care about me?" He asked.

Ren nodded slowly. He touched his arms delicately. "It helped at first. Then it stopped working, why won't it help anymore?"

Yoh took Ren's arms and looked at all the scares that were imprinted on them. "You are too strong a person for pain to affect for a long time." He looked back up at Ren and noticed he was actually crying. "You could never hurt me Ren. I care about you too much for you to hurt me."

Ren's head jerked up to look at the older shaman. "You care about me as much as you're other friends."

Yoh shook his head. "More then the others." He took a deep breath. "I care about you with all of my heart."

Ren took two big steps from Yoh and ended up with his back to the wall. He had wanted to hear words like that from Yoh in a long time. It was the longing for that that had caused so much mental stress; it had started him hurting himself. And made him think about the pain he had caused everyone. "Really?"

The older shaman smiled. "Of course." He walked over to Ren and put his arms around the Chinese shaman's waist. "I love you." He bent his head down to looked Ren straight in the eye, he loved looking at Ren's golden eyes, they held so much about him, his feelings and most of all the pain Ren had in his heart. He captured the shorter shaman's lips and kissed him gently. Ren raised his arms and draped them around Yoh's neck and gently kissed back. It was pure bliss for him, he forgot about the pain. All he knew was Yoh.

When the kiss broke, because of the need for oxygen, Yoh stepped back. "I know I can't stop you hurting yourself. I can't watch you 24/7. I just want you too know that I love you and I won't be able to look at you, knowing that the person I care about most is hurting himself because of guilt." He wasn't looking at Ren, he couldn't, but everywhere he looked he saw signs of what Ren had being doing. "I don't understand why I hadn't noticed before. I guess I was blind to it." He walked to the door and gently opened it. "Please don't hurt yourself anymore." He then left Ren to himself.

Ren touched his lips. He looked at his arms. He looked at the door. "I love you too." He took a bandage from his cabinet and tied it around his still bleeding arm. Ren walked over to the door and took out the blade and dropped it into his bin. He then walked after Yoh hoping to catch up to him and tell him that he won't be in pain as long as Yoh was with him.

_You are like a medicine for me_. _I cure for my pain, a light in my darkness_._ I will be in happiness as long as you are there_. _My one, my only, my love_. _My cure for the pain in my heart_. _Always_. . . .

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With me

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SM: Wow that was a pointless ramble.

Ren: For once I agree with you.

SM: Please review. I accept flames, all I want are reviews. Thank you!


	2. Healing over

SM: This is second chapter. Please Read & Review.

Ren: She doesn't own anything.

SM: Damn straight. Enjoy. It won't be as good as the first chappy but please don't let me put you off. It was meant to be a one-shot.

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Yoh's house

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Some scars can never fade. Some aren't meant to. They help you remember. Once Ren was with Yoh he thought that his scars meant less to him, but he was wrong. His pain had gone but the scars didn't go away and soon he remembered the pain. Yoh meant the world to him, he kept most of the pain away, he tried to hide it from his love but Yoh soon realised that Ren was hurting inside. He then tried everything to make Ren happy but it wasn't working as well as Yoh had hoped.

Anna was the main problem; Ren and Yoh's relationship had to be kept a secret to her, this was not a very easy thing to do. However at first it was exciting to be in secret love but it was becoming riskier. Ren was feeling the effects of loving Yoh, Anna was getting suspicious and he knew that she wouldn't let go of being shaman queen because of her fiancé's love. Yoh didn't want to be found out and have Ren taken away from him; it had to stay a secret. He didn't love Anna as wife but as a friend, he knew that Anna wouldn't care about what he felt.

The pain was affecting Ren more then ever, he wanted it gone. But he had promised Yoh when they became an item that he wouldn't hurt himself. He wanted more then anything to get rid of the pain. So he started to do it in secret so as not to break his promise; after all if Yoh didn't know about it he wasn't exactly breaking his promise. Was he?

Ren walked down the stairs with a bandage on each arm. He had taken to doing this so as mot to upset Yoh by him seeing the scars, it also helped to hide the new ones. He walked past Anna, who gave him a look of utmost loathing. Ren started rubbing his soar arm; he had caused a new cut on his arm minutes before. Yoh ran up to him joyfully, "Hi Ren." He looked around carefully and gave Ren a short kiss. Yoh then noticed that Ren was rubbing his arm. "Are you alright?"

Ren instantly stopped. "Just an old pain." He lied.

"Can I look at it?" Yoh said and tried to see his arm. Ren quickly moved out of the way. "What are you hiding from me?" Ren shook his head; Yoh knew that something was wrong with his lover so he grabbed Ren by the shoulders. "What have you done?" he moved his hand and pulled of the bandages from Ren's arm he was rubbing. Yoh instantly knew what was going on and stepped back from Ren with a look of utter disgust on his face.

Ren covered the new marks up with his hand. "Yoh." He muttered. "You don't understand. Its not what it looks like." He went up to Yoh and tried to touch his arm carefully.

"Stay away from me!" Yoh shouted, stepping further away. He couldn't even look at Ren. "You lied to me." Sounding hurt. "Why did you lie, to me of all people?" Ren tried to speak but Yoh put his hand up. "I don't want to hear anymore lies from you."

"But, Yoh, I didn't want to hurt you. And with you as well its helping." Ren tried.

Yoh turned to face Ren. "I'm an 'as well' to you. You mean everything to me. I can't stand to see you in pain." He turned away; he didn't want Ren to see his tears. "Yet no matter what I try you're still unhappy. You're probably better off without me, and I you. If you're causing yourself pain then I guess you're not happy with me. I can't even look at you; all I see now is pain and lies." Yoh started to walk away. "I hope you're pleased with yourself."

"Yoh!" Ren cried out, Yoh didn't even look back. Ren collapsed onto the floor crying. _I'm meant to be with you_. He thought. _I love you, Yoh_. _Why are you gone? I didn't mean to hurt you_. _I thought it better that you didn't know_. He kept crying as he got up and went to his bedroom. _I don't deserve to live if I am able to cause the only person I've ever cared about pain_.

Ren let his body fall onto the bed and lay there crying. He didn't move for three days, he didn't eat or drink. All he could think about was his pain, the pain Yoh felt and how he could fix it. On the third day he found a way to stop his pain for good. He walked into the living space where he found all of his friends and his former lover.

When he walked in everyone, except Yoh, looked up at him; Ren's cheeks where stand red from his crying and his body looked like it was fighting to stay alive. "I'm sorry if I've hurt any of you." Ren said his practiced speech. "I know that it's hard for anyone to be around me. I've decided that I should fix this. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially you, Yoh." At this Yoh looked up; however Ren was staring at the floor now and didn't notice. "Goodbye, my friends." Ren raised a knife that he had in his hand and put it so he would go through his heart in one movement.

Yoh ran up to him and took hold of Ren's wrist. "Don't you dare!" He spat. Ren tried not to meet his loves gaze. "If you do this I will never forgive you." Ren looked back down, he was crying again. "How could you even think of doing this? I thought you said that you never wanted to hurt me."

Ren looked up, letting his tears run down his cheeks freely. "I don't. I never did. This is easier because now you won't have to go through the pain of seeing me."

A soft hand touched Ren's wet cheek. "I love you." Everyone in the room gasped, even Ren. "I thought you loved me." Ren nodded. "Then why are you being so selfish, I couldn't stand the last couple of days. I have to see you. Sure I was angry but that is nothing compared to how angry I am now."

"You said you couldn't stand to look at me." Ren whimpered.

Yoh chuckled slightly. "Not with you knowing. I would still look at you when you don't know about it. I have to maintain the image of being angry." Ren sniffled. "I could never stay angry at you, love."

Ren looked up at Yoh, determination shinning in his cat-like eyes. "Then I'm sorry for what I'm about to do next. And I hope that you can forgive me." Ren used his other hand to make the knife come to heart level, with Yoh still holding his wrist. "I love you." Ren whispered. "But trust me its better this way, you'll understand some day." And with that he pushed himself onto the knife. His eyes went wide from pain but he continued looking at Yoh.

Yoh screamed, "REN!" His eyes filling with tears, Ren smiled at the sound his name before he gasped and started going limp. His eyes started to close and with the last of his strength said four words. "Wo ai ni, Yoh."

Yoh collapsed on the floor and held hid dead love in his arms. "Ren!" he shouted shaking the fragile body in his arms. "Ren!" he held the smaller boy closer, he ignored the blood that was seeping from his heart. "You can't leave me! Please come back!" He was now rocking the body in his arms like a baby and crying his name, "Ren, Ren, Ren," Yoh couldn't let him go, he wouldn't let him die. Everyone in the room was looking at the body and wanted to go near their dead friend but nobody dared to get close to the weeping Shaman king. The former members of Team Ren were crying and the others were in complete shock.

Ren, the strong minded individual who wouldn't let anything get to him, had just killed himself in front of them. They were all in shock but Yoh was the worst off. When Horohoro tried to get the dead shaman out off Yoh's grip, Yoh sent a wave of energy at him pushing everyone further away from him. He would never let go, he had to try and make Ren live but he didn't have a clue on how to do that. No one was going to take Ren away from him, not even death. Never. He needed Ren in his life. Then he fainted over his dead friend, tears made their way down his face.

As he slept he dreamed only of Ren; he was alive and they were happy. Ren had no scars on his arms and the thought of suicide had never even entered his mind. Yoh and Ren were smiling and happy. Nothing bad would ever happen to them. They were together and in love.

If only life could be like his dream.

If only . . .

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With me

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SM: Did you like?

Ren: You killed me!

SM: Did I? (Reads ficcy) Oh I did. Please review. Shall I add another chapter?

Ren: Yes.

SM: Really?

Ren: Bring me back to life! I'm you fav character!

SM: You and Hao.

Ren: Whatever.

SM: Review please!


	3. I need you here

SM: I have decided to write another chapter because I fell that it is unfair leaving it like that.

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Yoh's house

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Yoh woke up suddenly. "REN!" He screamed. He had to have Ren, he remembered clutching the Chinese shaman but didn't remember letting go. He got out of the bed he was placed in and ran to his loves room. _He has to be alright! _He thought desperately. 

Once he reached Ren's room he burst through the door. When he looked around he saw Faust and Eliza standing by the bed. Yoh walked forward and saw Ren lying on top of it. His body was completely ordinary, there was no blood and Yoh would have thought that he was asleep, however that hope diminished when he saw that Ren wasn't breathing.

Faust looked round at Yoh and gave him a sympathetic look. Yoh walked to the window and tried to distract himself by looking out of it but couldn't help but look at his dead friend. "Why does he look like that?" Yoh asked steadily, he wouldn't let his emotions consume him. He wouldn't let himself break down again and cry.

"Anna and I have placed a field around Ren's body so it won't go through the usual process a body would when it dies." Faust said simply. "I have healed the wound in the heart." Eliza touched Faust's shoulder lovingly; this sent a wave of jealousy through Yoh because he had no one that seemed to love him as much as the couple in front of him loved each other.

Yoh walked to the bed and faced Faust. "Can you bring him back?" Yoh knew that Ren would hate him if he brought him back; he knew that he was being selfish but he wanted to be with Ren so badly he would do anything, he loved him so much that if there was no way of them being together Yoh would just collapse mentally and physically.

Faust looked sadly at Yoh. "I am sorry but I don't know how to. I have managed to bring him back once but that was quickly after he had died this time I had to fix his body before hand, this took too much time. I don't know where his soul is, Anna is the only person now that might be able to bring him back."

This made Yoh frown; he knew perfectly well that Anna hated Ren. But he was willing to try anything to bring his Ren back. "Do you know where Anna is?" Yoh asked.

"I think she went out." Faust said. "I will leave you alone if you want." Yoh nodded and Faust and Eliza left.

When they were gone Yoh crawled onto the bed. He looked at Ren's face, he looked peaceful. His body was limp, his eyes were closed, his face held no expression, his skin was white and all the colour was gone from his body. Yoh touched raised his hand to Ren's cheek and his fingers felt cold skin. Yoh could feel hot tears run down his own cheeks but he didn't care. _How could I have let this happen? _Yoh thought. He crawled up next to his lost love. He gentle kissed Ren's cold cheek. He laid his head on the pillow and watched Ren; Yoh's tears fell quicker. "I love you Ren. If I bring you back I will never let you go again." He sobbed. He wrapped his hand around his loves closest hand. "Never." He whispered, falling asleep.

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Some time later

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Yoh finally managed to drag himself away from Ren's room. He then went on his search for Anna. He was about to look in a room when he heard Anna's shouting voice followed by Horo's voice shouting back. This was something Yoh thought would never happen, no one shouted at Anna. Yoh moved closer to the door to listen to the argument. 

Horo glared at Anna viciously. "Why wont you bring him back!" He yelled.

"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO!" Anna screamed.

"You mean you're jealous of him! And without him in your way you think Yoh will love you!" Horo retorted.

Anna marched up to Horo and tried to slap him but Horo caught it. "Tell me why you won't bring Ren back." He hissed.

Anna was completely surprised when Horo caught her slap but was even more surprised that he was demanding Anna to explain herself to him. "Anna, please tell me why?" Horo lowered his face. "Ren was, like, my best friend. I want him to be back. He once saved my life, he died because of me. But Faust brought him back. He once told me that he would do it again, he promised me he would do it again. I want him back to save me again." Horo looked back up at Anna. "And if you aren't going to bring back my best friend I want a damn good reason."

Again Anna was stunned at Horo. "I don't like him." She said simply.

"SO THAT'S IT! HE WONT BRING HIM BACK BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T LIKE HIM! THAT IS IT! WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE! HE IS OUR FRIEND! WE WANT HIM BACK!" Horo yelled at the top of his voice.

Yoh then walked in. "Anna," He whispered lowering his head to look at the floor. "I will do anything you want if you bring Ren back." He looked at Anna and saw her disbelieving look, he lowered his head again. "Anything."

Anna looked at him sceptically. "If I bring him back, you have to promise me that you won't love him anymore."

"I can't do that," Yoh looked up. "But I will promise that I will never do anything that will represent love towards him. I will train all the time; I will do whatever you say without question. I will do all the cleaning. I will do whatever you want. All I want is to have Ren alive." He drew a ragged breath. "Please?"

Horo looked at Yoh in horror. "Yoh!" He cried out. "Anna don't listen to him. He is crazy."

"Shut up Horohoro!" Anna ordered. "I thought he wanted Ren back and this way you get what you want." She looked over her sorry excuse for a fiancé. She then realised how venerable he was at this point. "Fine." She said.

Yoh and Horo exchanged confused looks with each other. Anna growled in irritation. "I will bring Ren back. But Yoh, you have to keep your promises." Yoh nodded. Anna then stormed out of the room; they could hear her go up the stairs and then a door slammed.

Horo looked at Yoh. "She's doing it now." Horo observed. "Yoh?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you really going to do all that?"

"All what?"

"What you said to Anna?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I would do anything for Ren. I love him enough to do all that. I need him."

Horo nodded in understanding and made his way the door. "If Anna does bring him back he would want to see you. You should go and be there for his return." Horo left.

Yoh looked at the door and then ran full pelt to Ren's room. He slowly opened the door and saw Anna in a trance. She had her beads out, her aura was strong. Ren was still lying on the bed just the way Yoh had left him.

The beads started to glow strongly. The aura around them was gold, it was definitely Ren's soul, and Yoh would recognise it anywhere. Yoh's heart skipped a beat out of relief; he would have his love back soon. Anna said her final words and sent Ren's spirit straight into his body. Yoh watched as Ren's body shook and then settled. His chest moved with his breathing. Anna went up to Yoh, "You had better keep your promise."

Yoh smiled at her then hugged her. "Thank you so much, Anna." He kissed her cheek. Anna stared at him then left with a blush on her face.

Yoh slowly walked to Ren. He sat on the bed and placed his hand on Ren's cheek, it was warm. A hand placed itself on top of Yoh's. He then stopped his breathing. "Ren?" He asked.

Ren slowly opened his eyes. "Yoh?" His voice cracked. He looked scared, his golden eyes flashed with confusion. "Why am I here?"

"You died." Yoh said. "Faust fixed your body, and then I convinced Anna to bring you back to life." Yoh smiled down at the smaller boy. "I love you."

Ren lowered his hand and slapped Yoh's away from his face. "How dare you." He growled. Yoh was utterly bewildered. "How dare you bring me back to life!" He sat up in his bed.

"I had to!" Yoh retorted, tears filling his eyes. "Did you ever think about how many people would miss you?" Ren glared at him. "Did you ever think about your friends? Did you ever think about your family?" Ren made a strange sound at the back of his throat. "Alright bad example. What about Jun?" Ren's eyes were now golden slits. "What about me? I love you. How could you just kill yourself in front of me, in front of all of us?"

Ren looked down. "You had no idea what I was going through. So don't try and make me feel sorry."

Yoh slapped Ren. "You have no idea what I've been through!" Yoh screamed. "I watched as the person I love killed himself. I had to do something to bring you back. I know that I'm being selfish but I don't care. I want you. I need you. I love you! I even promised Anna a lot of things for her to bring you back."

Ren closed his eyes placing his face in his hands. "I loved you too." Those words were like a punch to Yoh. _Loved_? Yoh thought he might have heard Ren wrong but what he said next couldn't be any clearer. "I'm not sure anymore. I don't think I love you now. You're right about you being selfish, I know you think I was when I killed myself. I think that we're just too different to be together. I have doubts about our relationship."

It felt like Ren had reached into Yoh and pulled out his heart. Yoh's world was spinning out of control. "I thought you killed yourself out of love. You know like Romeo and Juliet. I couldn't let you stay dead, I loved you so much."

"SHUT UP!" Ren yelled, now glaring at Yoh. "This is not some fairy tale, Yoh! This is real. I did love you, I don't now. I don't even know why I don't. It isn't the same, that's all. I can't tell you why because it's too confusing."

Yoh moved his mouth but no words came out. He started crying. At this Ren moved his hand to Yoh's cheek trying to wipe them away, he might not love him anymore didn't mean that he stopped caring. Yoh stood up to get away from Ren's hand. "I don't need your sympathy!" Ren lowered his hand. "I will never stop loving you, Ren. Even if you want me to stop I won't." Yoh said defiantly. "What I have is true unwavering love. Obviously you don't feel the same way, you don't care about me." Yoh walked to the door. "Anna tried to make me promise not to love you anymore. I wish it was that easy, but its not. I'm sorry that I love you. I'm sorry that I give a damn about how you feel. If you kill yourself again I will bring you back, I always will." He opened the door. "I love you." He walked out and closed the door behind him.

Ren looked at the door in horror. "What have I done?"

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With me

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SM: Yay. I count that as a cliffy. What will happen next? Review and you might find out. I was only hinting at HoroRen, it's a YohRen not HoroRen. Okay?  
Can someone please tell me what happened after the episode when Yoh killed Hao; they finished showing Shaman King after that. They stopped it at that ;o; please can someone tell me what happens. Thax. Review! 


	4. What lies beneath

SM: Hi everyone! waves Read & Review!

On with the ficcy!

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Yoh's house

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It had taken a long time but Ren had finally started getting out of his room. He was unsure around his friends and hadn't wanted to look at them; however they didn't act like he thought they would. They were normal; no one asked him anything about what he did which he was grateful for. But he knew that they thought that his mind was temperamental and that he would start on his suicidal bit again.

Both Ren and Yoh tried acting normal around everyone, but they never made eye contact. Yoh was trying to avoid Ren's eyes because he didn't want Ren to know how much he had hurt him under the skin and Ren didn't want to see the pain he had caused. Everyone understood the situation and didn't want to say anything about it, but it was obvious that it pleased one person in the household. Anna had started acting happier, she didn't shout as much as usual, meaning that she only made four people cry a day except the usual six.

One day everyone decided to go out, that is everyone excluding two. Ren had said that he wasn't in the mood; no one dared say anything in complaint to his not going mainly because they could see that he was definitely not in the mood. Yoh said that he wanted to be alone think, "Try not to hurt your head." Horo said jokily.

Ren was downstairs sitting on the far end of the sofa reading when Yoh came in and ignored his only companion for the day. Well at least he was acting like he was ignoring him; he was really trying to take in everything about Ren without the younger knowing it. Yoh sat down on the other end of the sofa and turned on the TV. Ren tried to ignore the noise but couldn't concentrate with the background sound.

Ren turned to Yoh and said, trying to keep his temper down, "Yoh, can you please turn the television off? I am trying to read here."

Yoh looked at Ren and shook his head. "I want to watch my favourite show and there's only one TV. You can go and read somewhere else."

Ren was absolutely shocked; Yoh had never spoken to anybody like that and especially not to Ren. "I was here first." He said jerkily.

"That means it's someone else's turn to be in here." Yoh said simply.

Ren finally lost his temper at the Japanese shaman. "What's your problem!"

Yoh stood up. "First you tell me what's yours!"

Ren stood as well. "You can't boss me around!"

"Yes I can!"

"Why!"

"Because I am shaman king and you are beneath me!"

Ren stared at Yoh; he had never pulled the shaman king card on anyone, let alone use it to make people fell lesser. Ren had never been told that he was beneath anyone, he was a Tao and as such was used to being treated a certain way, which does not include being told that he was beneath his first and best friend. He hated to admit it but it had hurt his feelings deep down, he hadn't had friends for very long and being told that he was beneath one of them was not what he needed to be sure that he really wanted any.

Yoh realised that he had hurt the young Tao's feelings. He wanted to go up to him and hug him till he was sure that his friend was alright but he knew that that wasn't an option. Ren would never let anyone near him when his feelings were hurt. Yoh felt his heart pound harder as he looked at the golden eyes that seemed very confused. "Ren?" Yoh asked carefully. "I didn't mean it. I just wanted to know why you suddenly don't love me anymore."

A light seemed to flash in Ren's eyes. "I have already told you."

"Come on, Ren! It feels different, isn't an answer. Tell me why not!"

"I don't need to explain myself to you!"

Yoh walked up to Ren and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Give me a real answer." Yoh hissed.

Ren mumbled. "A Tao cannot love."

"You don't really believe that do you?" Yoh said in shock. "I thought you were smarter then that."

"Well I'm not. Now let me go!" Ren screamed trying to get out of the taller shamans grip.

"Ren!" Yoh growled. "Are you saying that you have stopped loving me because of a stupid saying? It is not true and you know it!"

"It is true! That's why I don't love you!" Ren looked down. "I don't think I ever did. I was using you as a cure for my pain. I don't want to use you anymore, Yoh. You are my best and first friend and I still care about you."

Yoh tightened his grip on the smaller boy. "I don't care if you are using me. I just want to be with you. I love you." He then let go of the younger and took a step back. "A Tao can love and I thought I had gained it, I knew that I had gained it."

Ren looked up at Yoh. "It wasn't love. I am incapable of love, of having someone love me." Yoh was going to say something but Ren cut him of. "What you feel towards me isn't love. I know it isn't, it's you feeling sorry for me."

Yoh shook his head. "I know what I feel. And its love for you." Yoh and Ren where both silent in thought, the TV turned to a music video of 'The Reason' by Hoobastank, (SM: Don't own. But I do love this song.)

I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do  
But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away  
And be the one who catches all your tears  
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is You _x4_

I'm not a perfect person  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you

Ren and Yoh both sighed at the end of the song. Yoh looked at Ren; he loved simply looking at the Chinese teen, he loved everything about Ren's appearance, as well as his personality. Ren knew that Yoh was looking at him, he moved slightly under Yoh's intense stare. "Yoh, you're right I am beneath you. You deserve better than me."

"That's a lie." Yoh replied softly. "You are beneath no one. You are absolute perfection." He walked up to the younger and cupped his chin, pulling it up slightly so he could gaze into the golden orbs that mystified the older. "And perfection is beneath no man."

Ren laughed softly. "But you are not a man." Yoh smiled at him, and then Ren frowned. "That doesn't change the fact that you deserve better, you should love someone that loves you back."

"I love you, I don't need anyone else." Yoh gently brushed their lips together to show his affection towards the other, they had kissed many times but this one was different because Yoh used it in a reassuring way, which Ren didn't need often.

Ren closed his eyes then snapped his head out of Yoh's grasp. "Leave me alone." Ren growled.

This made the older sigh; he thought that he had been getting through to Ren. "I can't. I need you."

Ren growled under his breath. _Why doesn't Yoh get it?_ He thought angrily, _I don't need him_. _Why does he need me? Why does he keep saying that he needs me? I know he doesn't_. "Go find someone else to _need_." Ren spat.

"I don't want anyone else but you." Yoh said sadly. _Why won't he believe me? When he was dead I felt like I was dieing_. Yoh thought desperately.

"What about your fiancé." Ren asked.

"What about Anna?"

"You have her. She loves you, that's why she hates me, because she knows that you love me. Anna is not the type who likes competition over her man, especially not with a man."

Yoh stared at Ren wide eyed, "Anna really loves me?" Ren nodded. "How do you know?"

"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. The looks she gives you. It's obvious. She's in love with you." Ren scoffed folding his arms.

Yoh thought quickly, he cared for Anna like a sister not a fiancé. He was going to marry her until he told Ren how he felt and heard Ren say he felt the same, the first time he saw Ren he knew he was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. But Yoh didn't love Anna and he had to try and get Ren back. "It doesn't matter." Yoh stated simply.

"Of course it matters! You have always thought that Anna hated you and simply wanted to become shaman queen! Well you're the king so why hasn't she taken the opportunity! Because she loves you and wants you to love her back before you get married!" Ren tried to calm himself down, it was like talking to an impudent squirrel, this meaning an idiot. "So go fall in love with her! And LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Tears started to find their way to Yoh's eyes. His heart was now not only pulled out by Ren but it was now smashed into the floor, grinded into a pulp, put into a liquidizer and pressed on purée then tossed to ravage, rabid dogs. Yoh tried to blink away the tears; he wouldn't let Ren see him cry again, he knew that Ren will feel sorry for causing Yoh to cry and this will only add to Ren's depression for causing people pain, Yoh didn't want Ren to hurt himself over him.

"Fine." Yoh mumbled. "If you want me to leave you alone that badly, I will. But it won't change how I feel. I will marry Anna if that makes you feel better."

It took allof Ren's will power not look at Yoh. "That's not what I want. I want you to be happy. You can't be happy with me. Not truly. Anna can give you something I can't, love." Ren walked out of the room still talking. "I'm sorry, Yoh. But you have to accept the truth. I hope you can forgive and get over me."

A while after Ren had left Yoh slumped onto the floor crying. "I don't want to get over you! I love you! Only you! No one else!" His tears fell from his face and splashed onto the floor. "Always!" He tried to get up but his strength deserted him. So he lay crying on the floor, confessing his undying love.

* * *

Some time later everyone got back. They walked into the main room and gasped at the sight that greeted them. Yoh was on the floor crying and breathing heavily, he had given up speech long before. Everyone ran to him to find out what was wrong with him. He only managed to say two words before he got consumed by his tears again, "Ren . . . Love."

They all looked at each other in surprise. Anna growled, "That Tao is going to pay for hurting my Yoh's feelings." Then she marched upstairs hoping to torture heir to the Tao family.

Ren was able to hear Yoh sobbing from his room; he tried to block it out by meditating, however that idea was proven useless when his mind kept wondering if Yoh was alright. He heard the others arrive and find Yoh; he knew something bad was going to happen.

Anna stormed into Ren's room, making the lock fly off. "There's a lock on doors for reason." Ren noted. "It means I don't want anyone to come in."

She stood next to Ren, completely enraged by him. "I don't care what you want!" She screeched. "What did you do to _my_ Yoh?"

"I did what you wanted." Ren got out of his crossed-legged position on his bed and faced Anna. "You wanted Yoh all to yourself. You have him. I won't get in your way any longer." Ren was fuming. "You love him so much, have him! I don't care what you do with him!"

"SHUT UP!" Anna was angry at Ren for talking like Yoh was simply a toy he could get bored with and throw away. "What did you say to him?"

"I told him that I didn't love him and that he should get over me." Ren said calmly.

Anna stared at him. "Good I am his fiancé not you. But that doesn't change the fact that you have deeply upset Yoh. He is in the main room crying on the floor. Go and apologise." She ordered.

"No." Ren said simply and turned away from her.

"Apologise to Yoh right now!"

"Make me!" Ren replied. "Besides I don't think he wants to see me right now."

Anna slapped him so hard he fell to the floor. "I don't care if you are the son of the most feared, richest and strongest families in China. We are not in China and you can't always get your way."

"I don't see what your problem is. You wanted Yoh, have him." Ren said nonchalantly. "No ones going to stop you."

"You will regret hurting my Yoh." Anna turned to leave but stopped at the now broken door. "Thanks for backing off willingly. Otherwise I would have made you." She then closed the door and left Ren with a sense of impending doom.

* * *

With me--

* * *

SM: Please review. I really want to know what people think about it. 


	5. Mysterious Love

SM: Thanks for all the reviews. Jun and Bason ate in China, that's why their not involved. Read & Review.

* * *

Yoh's house

* * *

It was in the dead of night, most people were asleep. But Yoh wasn't able to sleep, he kept thinking about what Ren had said to him. He had to talk to him. But everyone was watching them, especially Anna. He knew that Ren wouldn't say anything in front of Anna. Yoh got out of bed and exited his room. He quietly walked down the hall until he reached his loves door. He looked through the crack in the door and saw the young Tao standing in front of the window watching the stars. Ren had his hair down making him look more fragile, Yoh had always considered him a china doll and didn't want to break him.

Yoh opened the door slowly; he didn't want to alert Ren to his presence, _yet_. He closed the door after he entered, still not making a sound. He walked across the room to the silent Tao. Yoh saw the window was open and the wind was making Ren's hair dance, the purple strands seemed to be dancing in the breeze, Yoh would have been content with just watching the boys' beauty but he had come here for a reason. Yoh stood directly behind Ren; he then wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. Ren took a sharp intake of air and tensed.

Yoh's breath quickened waiting for a solid punch. He had to move quickly, Ren was still in shock and this was Yoh's time to move. He used his head to push Ren's hair away from his neck. Once that was done Ren's smooth pale skin was exposed, Yoh bit the delicate flesh. Ren gasped in shock and was awakened from his daze. Yoh sucked Ren's skin, he then removed his mouth but soon pressed his lips against the Chinese boys neck and kissed all the boys skin he could reach.

A sharp pain in his stomach made Yoh stop his kissing. The pain soon was repeated when a backward kick was aimed at his shin. Yoh let go the younger boy regretfully. Ren put his hand onto his neck; he then turned to face Yoh, his delicate facial features set in anger. "What part of _go away and leave me alone_ don't you understand?" Ren spat.

Yoh looked up at Ren. "I have been thinking . . ."

"That must have hurt." Ren scoffed vindictively.

That really hurt Yoh, but he tried to ignore it and continue. "I remember what the last words you said to me were, before you died I mean." Ren's eyes widened in horror, he knew perfectly well what he had said and he knew that Yoh knew what the words meant, even if it was in Chinese. "You said 'Wo Ai Ni Yoh', which means I love you Yoh."

"So what? I said it a lot of times. It doesn't mean anything."

"Yes it does." Yoh said simply. Ren shot him a filthy look. "You had never said 'I love you' in your own language before. It must have meant something."

Ren closed his eyes and felt the mark on his neck. What he felt at that point was a mixture of emotions including anger, lust, hatred and love, which he had been trying to kill. "I must not be weak." He muttered.

Yoh walked up to face the smaller boy. "You are not weak."

"Whoever said I was?" Ren snapped.

Ignoring the question from his love Yoh said something that Ren wasn't expecting. "You never have been weak. And if you ever think you are, I will have to make you stronger."

"I don't want you near me. Go away." Ren said slowly. "And how would you make me stronger?"

Yoh raised his hand to touch Ren's face, but the younger slapped it away. Yoh sighed, "Tell me what's making you weak and I will do everything in my power to help."

"Yoh." Ren muttered. "It's you. You make me weak."

Yoh tilted his head to one side. "How is that now?"

The smaller boy wasn't meant to be heard but if he told Yoh then he would definitely be left alone. "I killed myself because of you! If that isn't weakness then I don't know what is!"

"Then I guess you don't know what weakness is." Yoh stated simply.

Ren fell to the floor, it was too much. He was used to hiding his emotions but there was only so much he could take. "I'm trying to not love you. It would be easier if I didn't. I could live up to my family's expectations. But I can't help it. Every time I see you my heart clenches. I love you so much, I want to be with you but I can't!"

Yoh just stared at him. He didn't mean to make Ren have a breakdown. "Why can't we be together?" Yoh asked kneeling next to his love.

Ren looked at Yoh and collapsed onto him. "My family needs me, I can't love a man, I am the last male Tao." Yoh stroked Ren's hair. "Anna has threatened me in the past." Yoh stared at Ren in shock. "She said that if I didn't back off she would tell my father." Ren looked up at Yoh. "You know what he's like. I don't want him to hurt you. I know he would. He will probably lock me up again, I can't keep disobeying him. I can't. It's too much. And if that didn't work, knowing Anna, she could make life very difficult." Tears started to leak from his eyes. "I love you so much Yoh. I was trying to suppress the emotion but it won't leave me alone, it was nearly working but it just keeps its hold on me. I want it to go! I don't want it! It would be so much easier if it left!"

The hand stopped trying to comfort the small boy. Yoh was in absolute shock from what the love of his life had just said. Anna. She was the reason they couldn't be together. She had a tight hold on Ren; his family was the only thing that Ren would obey. Ren pushed himself away from Yoh. "You said you would make me stronger." Yoh nodded. "Then to be stronger I must overcome love. Help me do that."

"Love isn't just a thing that you can overcome."

The smaller boys head rested itself on Yoh's chest. "Then make it so I don't love you anymore. Break my heart, make me hate you, say that you don't love me, please do anything that will make it go away!" Ren was now desperate. He couldn't stand what was happening to him, he was always strong and had no emotions but now he felt like he needed Yoh to be able to survive.

A hand stroked Ren's cheek softly, getting rid of the tears that fell from the golden eyes that captivated the youngest Asakura twin. "I can never hurt you. Yesterday when we talked I felt my heart break, what you said to me heart me so much. I can never put you threw that pain." Yoh felt pain in his hand as Ren's teeth sunk into the tender skin. "What was that for!" he yelled.

Ren realised the captive hand. "I want you to say you hate me and if I have to make that happen I will." Ren's face was determined. "I want you to break my heart into tiny pieces and make me lose all hope of ever being with you."

Now Yoh was sure that Ren was utterly mad. He raised his hand as if to hit Ren but instead pushed him on the floor. Yoh laid on top of Ren securing the smaller boy to the floor. Yoh put is head by Ren's ear and whispered, "I love you Ren. Like I said I would never do anything to hurt you. So I'm sorry but breaking your heart is something I can't do."

Ren shivered as Yoh's hot breath tickled his ear. Yoh smiled down at his love. He touched their noses together then captured Ren's lips. Yoh moaned as he tasted Ren's lips again, he had wanted to kiss Ren properly ever since they had brushed lips the day before. Ren put his arms around Yoh's neck and pushed against his lips. Yoh smiled at this, he moved his hands down Ren's form making the other shiver again.

**SLAM! BASH!**

The door was practically bashed open. Anna stood in the doorway fuming. She marched up to the pair and threw Yoh off of Ren and onto the floor. She gave the Chinese shaman the most venomous look imaginable. Yoh got up of the floor to try and talk to Anna; however she grabbed him by the hair and hissed something in his ear. Yoh turned deathly pale but nodded sadly. Ren started to rise but was stopped when Anna's foot implanted itself firmly in his side. She then dragged Yoh out of the room.

Yoh turned around to give Ren a pained look. Ren got up and ran to Yoh but his way was blocked by Anna's shikigami, "If you ever touch my Yoh again you will regret it, Tao." Anna said evilly. "Yoh is mine. Never forget that." Anna turned and yanked Yoh's hair making him whimper. "Your family will be interested to know how you got a bruise on your neck. If you don't back off I will inform them. Got it!" Ren nodded.

After Anna and Yoh were gone, Ren stood still in amazement. He didn't know how to act or feel anymore. He thought that love was a weakness but Yoh wasn't weak. But it made Ren weak and a Tao cannot be weak. Ren closed his eyes, his hand wondered to the mark on his neck. He wanted to be with Yoh but what would Anna do to him, did he care if his family knew? Ren sighed and just stood there thinking about Yoh.

* * *

He sat in a branch from the tree outside watching everything. He had been watching Ren as he stared at the stars and had felt a wave of jealousy pass through him as he saw his Yoh touch _his_ Ren, kiss _his_ Ren, have _his_ Ren under him. His mind filled with rage as he saw the _witch_ hurt _his_ Ren. How _dare_ she lay a finger on _his_ Ren! He wasn't going to stand for it. He had to sit back and watch as Ren and Yoh fell in love with each other, he had to be patient as he saw Ren getting depressed, he had to be silent as he watched Ren kill himself and grieve alone. He wanted Ren; Ren was _his_ and nobody else's. No one was allowed to hurt him; no one was allowed to touch him. Anyone that laid a finger on Ren was going to pay. He would have to do something about it.

Asakura Hao was not a happy bunny. (I love that saying)

* * *

Next day

* * *

Ren had the feeling that he was being watched. He usually had paranoia, but not this bad. If you're wondering why he is paranoid, it is far easier not to ask; besides he is a bit mad. Anyway that's of the topic; the point is he felt like he was being watched. But he endured the feeling and walked into the main room, trying to act like it was a normal day. As he entered he saw a sight that made his stomach clench; Anna had Yoh's head on her lap and was stroking his hair. She was seated on the sofa with Yoh laying down on it. Yoh had a look of utter sadness on his face as he saw Ren enter.

Yoh had been trying to get out of his current position for over two hours, but Anna wouldn't let him go. He kept pretending that it was his real love however when he came into the room, that dream was thrown out of the window. "Hi Ren." Yoh said. Ren just grunted in response and walked out of the room. Yoh looked up at Anna and noticed that she was wearing a triumphant smirk. This made Yoh scowl, he then sat upright and left Anna; he didn't dare go in search for Ren but he it didn't mean he didn't want to.

It was very hard for Ren to suppress his emotions. He had been doing it ever since he was a child and was an expert on it, or at least he used to be. You see if you hide your emotions away for a very long time they could suddenly just spill out of control, Ren has recently discovered this fact. However he would continue to try and do it.

The feeling that he was being watched increased tenfold. Something bad was going to happen. Ren walked back into his room and saw something that would haunt his dreams forever. Asakura Hao sat crossed legged on his bed smelling Ren's pillow. "Oh my God!" Was all Ren could say/scream.

Hao sat upright and smiled at the young Tao. He placed the pillow back on the bed but his eyes never left Ren. "I am going to give you one last chance to willingly join my side, Ren." Hao said confidently.

"Why would I ever join you?" Ren sneered.

Hao stood up and walked towards the smaller boy. "I know how you feel towards my lesser half."

Ren scowled. "What has that got to do with you?"

The laugh that filled the room made Ren's blood run cold. "He is a part of me. If you feel that way towards him then effectively you feel the same for me. Therefore you will join me."

"That is crazy."

Hao stood in front of Ren. "Is it?" He asked coyly. Ren shivered at the sound of Hao's voice. "What is it that drew you to Yoh? If it was his body then I don't see your problem."

"He is a nice person. I love him because he is kind."

"But your not." Hao closed the door and stared circling the younger. "Your friends think that I'm a monster for what I have done. But you have killed people; you have done things just as bad as what I have done. Why do they still trust you? Surely they know about everything. Don't they?"

"Shut up Hao!"

The circling continued. "I know about what you have done. That you tortured innocents for fun, then slaughtered them like they were animals. What would my other half think if he knew? Would he still love you?"

Ren tried to grab Hao but failed. "What has any of this got to do with you?"

The older boy moved closer. "If it has something to do with you, then it has something to do with me." This made Ren look at him questioningly. "I know everything that you hide from your friends but I still want you."

Ren flinched at that. "I don't care what you do to me. I will never join you."

"What about love me?"

"Never."

Hao grabbed his arms. "Then you are a fool." He hissed. "We are the same. Don't you see? If you had never met my annoying twin then we would be together. You are not meant to be together. And you never can be."

Ren struggled in his firm grasp. However his smaller frame made it difficult. "Let me go!" he screamed. Hao just smiled evilly.

Yoh heard Ren scream and ran to were he thought it came from. He went to Ren's room; he was faced by a closed door but heard noise from within. He started to open the door.

This was Hao's chance; he knew that Yoh was outside the door. He wanted to show his meddling brother that the Tao was his. "I love you, Ren." With that Hao pushed himself onto Ren and kissed him heatedly.

Yoh opened the door to the sight of Hao and Ren kissing. Now he was scared for life. Seeing your pyromaniac twin brother kissing your true love will do that to a person. Ren noticed that someone had entered the room and tried desperately to push Hao of off him. Hao eventually let go of Ren and turned to smirk at his little brother. Yoh stood their mortified, "Is this, what you do when you can't be with someone? You go and kiss their brother? I can't believe you Ren!" Yoh screamed.

Ren was completely shocked that Yoh was blaming him. "Yoh, I didn't ask him to do _that_! You know what Hao is like! He did it on his own!"

True that Hao was absolutely crazy but that didn't stop Yoh's heart from braking. "If you would rather be with a pyromaniac then so be it!" Yoh started to cry. "I have tried my best Ren. I stood by you when everyone else wouldn't. I still loved you even when you lied to me. I tried to help you when you were depressed. I got Anna to bring you back to life. I still believed that you were kind even when you pretended that you hated me. I have done a lot for you! But then I see something like this! Now I know you're a jerk. I can say now that I hate you! I hope your happy now!" with that Yoh ran away crying.

* * *

With me

* * *

SM: That was a dramatic ending.

Ren: How come I haven't been in your little ramblings lately?

SM: Because I'm trying to get the chapters done and I'm not allowed on the computer on school days.

Ren: So you haven't got time for me?

SM: A note; anyone that reads True Confessions and Hidden lies I have a plot knot and its going to take a while to untangle. So please be patient. Please Review!


	6. The love of the mind

SM: Thanks for the reviews! I do not own Shaman King or Eastenders, I'm not sure if I what I've written is Eastenders bashing or not, if you like that show then don't hold it against me that I think it is a load of garbage. Mild oocness. Read and Review.

* * *

In the last chapter

* * *

Hao kissed Ren and Yoh saw it. 

"I have done a lot for you! But then I see something like this! Now I know you're a jerk. I can say now that I hate you! I hope your happy now!" with that Yoh ran away crying.

* * *

At Yoh's house

* * *

Hao smirked as he watched his little brother run. Ren glared at him, "What are you so happy about?" Hao turned to face him, his smirk replaced with a look of longing. 

"Did I ever tell you that you look beautiful when you're angry?" Hao reached for Ren but he saw it coming and moved out of the way.

"I'm going to go and find Yoh. You had better not be here when I get back." Ren rushed out of the room before Hao could try anything. His mind was in complete confusion, he and Yoh were in love but Anna is blackmailing Ren, Hao said that he loved him and Yoh was angry at him because Yoh's insane, pyromaniac, 1000 year old twin brother had kissed Ren.

_Dear God its like Eastenders_! Ren thought irrationally. He had seen an episode of the soap opera when Horo was ill and he had to keep him company because everyone else was out, it was a very trying day; the episode had been about one character loving his brothers girlfriend, then he made out with her at a disco and asked her out and she had yes, then her boyfriend heard and the next thing she knew the boy that had just asked her out was dead and her boyfriend broke up with her. Then her ex-boyfriend married her best friend who was angry at her because he still loved her and she didn't want her interfering. Then she found out that she was pregnant with her ex-boyfriends baby. And all that happened in one episode, how could Horo watch that stuff every week. (I have no idea really.)

Ren stopped that trail of thought. For one thing he was not a girl, another it had been the boyfriend that had killed his brother and Ren knew that Yoh wouldn't kill Hao, again. Besides Yoh and Ren weren't going out anymore, unfortunately. Anna wasn't his best friend, and he was a boy so he couldn't be pregnant.

He went to Yoh's room and heard a faint sobbing from inside. Ren sighed and knocked on the door. "Yoh it's me." He shouted. No response, not like he expected one. "I'm so sorry Yoh! I didn't know what he was going to do! Please forgive me!" A faint "No." was heard. "At least let me in." And another "no." was given. Ren tried to open the door. "Fine!" Ren shouted, he was now getting very irritated with his love. "I will just have to sit out here until you come out!" With that Ren sat on the floor outside Yoh's door.

Yoh's heart had been crushed too many times by Ren. The first time it was broken had been when he saw what Ren had been hurting himself, the second time was when Ren had lied to him about not doing it anymore, the third time was when Ren had killed himself, after that Yoh had lost count because every time that Ren spoke to him it seemed like harsh words that made Yoh's heart ache, then he saw Ren kissing his brother. Yoh had now decided that he didn't need love. He didn't need Ren to be happy, even though every single moment he was around the Chinese boy he felt like he could do anything and that his heart would burst with happiness that was soon consumed with pain as it was broken.

When he used to think of Ren he could fly, he saw Ren smiling, which in itself is rare, but now when he thought of him all he could see was the image of him and Hao together. That image made him want to be sick; if he ever kissed Ren again he knew that it would be tainted by Hao. He hated Hao for kissing Ren, and he hated Ren for letting him. He knew that Ren was strong and that he was perfectly capable of getting rid of Hao, so Ren must have wanted it. Anna had once told Yoh that Ren would be nothing but trouble, that he would hurt Yoh; that Ren would cause him more pain then was imaginable. And she was right.

Yoh was still crying, but he didn't care. He went over to his dressing table and looked at the pictures that were framed there. Most of them held images of Ren, one of them had Yoh and Ren smiling; it was taken when they went to a carnival and Yoh had won Ren a cuddly toy panda, they were a secret couple then. Yoh grabbed the picture and marched to his door, when he opened it he saw Ren sitting against the wall opposite it. Ren immediately got up and tried to say something but Yoh held up his hand to stop him.

He threw the picture at Ren, "Were you lying to me then?" Yoh screamed. "Did you pretend to be happy? Did you really care about me? Tell me if you were hurting yourself then!"

Ren looked down at the picture and smiled at the memory. "No, Yoh, I wasn't. I didn't a single lie that day. I said I loved you about a hundred times that day. And I wasn't lying." Ren said solemnly. "Please believe me when I say this Yoh." He took a deep breath. "Wo Ai Ni, Yoh."

Yoh closed his eyes and let the words wash over him. He adored it when he heard Ren say those words but they were tainted with Hao. At that moment Yoh wanted to say that he forgave Ren and take him in his arms, however the waves of jealousy stopped him. "I have Anna." Yoh spat at Ren, it pained him to do so but he knew that it was better for them both if he did this. "I don't need you. You once told me to get over you, I have. I have Anna and now I guess you have Hao. I hope you are happy with him." Yoh felt a stab of pain as he saw the disgusted look he caused in Ren's eyes. Yoh walked away from him.

Immediately Ren dropped the picture on the floor and let the frame smash. Yoh turned around in surprise at the sudden noise. "I don't even like Hao!" Ren screeched.

"He is just like me." Yoh said simply. "If you like me, then you should like him."

"You don't have a clue do you." Ren snapped. "He is the complete opposite of you. You are kind and caring, Hao is evil and insane."

"Then you two should get along!" Yoh retorted. As soon as the words left his mouth Yoh wished he could take them back. Anger consumed all of Ren's features, Yoh hadn't seen Ren's face like that since they met and he had wished that he would never have to see it again. "Ren . . . I . . . You have to understand . . . I didn't . . ."

Ren just walked past Yoh and pushed him into the wall as he passed. "If you think that then so be it. I guess the love has gone." Ren muttered as he left. Ren went into his room to be alone but the annoying other Asakura was still there, Ren felt like throwing himself at the smug boy but restrained himself. "I thought I told you to leave." Ren said.

Hao smiled at him and stepped closer. "Oh dear Renny, are you angry?" Hao asked childishly. "I thought you went to go make up with my dear little brother."

At this point Ren was positively fuming. He and Yoh had been trying to fix their already broken relationship, and all they had to do was get past Anna and then Hao had to come along and ruin it even more. "Can you just leave me alone?" Ren asked.

Another step closer. "No. I want you Tao. And I always get what I want." Hao whispered hauntingly. "It's better this way. I get you and you get an Asakura. After all that is what your precious Yoh is. And as for Yoh he gets Anna, and she gets what she wants. It's a win-win situation."

Ren growled at him. "I don't want you and Yoh doesn't want Anna."

"But he doesn't want you." Hao replied. "At least not anymore."

"Because of you."

"He never really cared about you." Hao said hypnotically. "I do. I love Tao Ren; I want you to be mine."

Hao moved closer to Ren and looked into his eyes. He lifted up the younger boys chin so he could see into his mysterious features. He and Ren shared eye contact; Hao forced his energy on Ren so that he could control the smaller shaman. "Join me. Love me. Want me. Come to me." Hao chanted.

Ren could feel something happening to his body but he didn't know what. All could see was Hao's eyes, all he could feel was Hao's touch, all he could hear was Hao's words. All he knew was Hao. He gradually felt himself growing weaker in Hao's grasp. Until . . .

"REN!" A voice beckoned him. "REN! Where are you!"

The door smashed open for the umpteenth time. Horo stood there wide-eyed at the sight that was before him. Hao was standing over Ren, one hand grasping his chin making him look into his hazel eyes, the other holding Ren upright. Ren looked like he was waking up from a daze. Whatever was going on Horo knew that it definitely wasn't good, so he did the first thing that came to his mind. He rammed into Hao as hard as he could.

However this idea was stupid for two reasons, true it made him let go of Ren but it made Ren fall onto the floor and bash his head on the wood which succeeded in waking him up but it made him hit his head on the floor, it also got Hao very annoyed. He was seconds away from getting Ren and then a very rude Aniu suddenly ram into him. He was now on the floor and not next to his love.

Ren was blinking his eyes, he felt like nearly all of his energy was drained from him. Horo saw that Ren wouldn't be able to get up so he decided to run over to Ren and fling him over his shoulder. He then ran out of the room as fast as possible to get away from Hao. When Horo reached his room he flung Ren onto his bed and locked his door.

A groan came from the bed so Horo turned to the sound. "How do you feel?" He asked. Ren glared at him. "I'll take that as a 'could be better.'" He laughed.

"Do you really want to know, 'how I feel?'" Ren asked jerkily. To his surprise Horo nodded, so he told him. "I have recently died, again. I have broken up with my boyfriend twice. His evil, psychopathic twin has tried to control my mind or some such nonsense. My head feels like it was run over by a truck. And worst of all I think that Yoh might not ever be able to love me again! So I don't feel very good!" Ren covered his mouth; he didn't mean to tell Horo all of that.

Horo laughed at Ren's reaction. And said casually, "It can't be that bad. Yoh can forgive anyone. He'll forgive you."

"You knew about . . ."

"The fact that you're gay?"

That made Ren angry. "I'm not gay."

"But you love Yoh."

"That doesn't mean I'm gay." Ren scoffed. "I'm bi."

"Ohhhhhh."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." Horo laughed again. "So what woman do you like?"

"Pardon?"

"If your bi then you like women to. So who do you like?"

"No one at the moment but I have liked women. I just like Yoh at the moment."

"Okay then."

"And you're okay with this?"

"Yeah. After all I'm actually gay." Horo admitted.

"Huh?" Ren said astounded.

"_I am gay_." Horo repeated as if talking to a child. "I asked Yoh out, that's how I knew about you two. He wanted an excuse because I won't stop pestering him and he told me that he was going out with you. He was happy with you. And I beat you were with him." Horo sat down next to Ren on the bed. "I'll do whatever I can to get you guys back together."

Ren stared at him in astonishment. He had always thought that Horo was an insensitive jerk. "Thank you Horo." Horo smiled at him and flung his arm around the smaller ones shoulders.

"I'll do anything for you." He whispered, he then realised what he had said and tried to fix it. "You're my best friend. I'll do anything to make you happy."

"I'm your best friend?"

"Of course. You saved my life. That means you're my best friend."

Something was mumbled but Horo couldn't make it out because it was said to low. He looked at the Chinese boy in his arms and saw that he was sleeping. Horo smiled again, Ren looked so peaceful; his hair over his forehead, the rest draped around his shoulders, there was no scowl to be seen, his body went limp. Horo lifted Ren up again and this time noticed how light he was, it actually felt to light, "Ren you have to learn to eat more." He mumbled to himself. He moved Ren so he was lying on Horo's bed properly.

He sat on the edge of his bed watching over the young Tao. "I'll talk to Yoh tomorrow. For now I'll watch over you, making sure that Hao won't do anything to you." Horo frowned at the thought of Hao touching his best friend. Then he thought of how much he liked Ren, how much he cared for him, how he would do anything to make Ren happy. _I care for him more then a friend should_. Horo thought to himself, _I like him in the same way I used to like Yoh_. _No_. _More then I liked Yoh; I didn't mind him brushing me off_._ I know that Ren loves Yoh and I want him to be happy_. _I won't tell him about how I feel_. _He's better of not knowing_. _I'll let him be happy_. _I only hope Hao feels the same, or at least realises this_.

Horo moved some of Ren's hair away from his eyes. _You are so beautiful, Ren_. He looked at the serene expression on his friends face. _I wish you always looked like this_._ The constant scowl makes you look less marvellous_. Horo caught himself. _Don't think like that Horo, Ren isn't yours he's Yoh's_._ Let them be happy, help them_._ Make him happy_. Horo nodded to himself and kept watching the sleeping Tao.

* * *

With me-

* * *

SM: Sorry I had to add some HoroRen. I like all parings with Ren. Please Review! 


	7. To forgive and save

SM: Thanks again. Please Review, I really want feed back. I am sorry for the slow updates but due to writers block everything has been held back. When I get writers block I start writing different stories then I get sidetracked and forget about my old ones. Sorry, R&R.

* * *

Yoh's house

* * *

Horo slowly walked into Yoh's room. Yoh was looking out of the window with tears streaming down his face. "Horo," Yoh said sadly. "I don't want you interfering."

"I'm not interfering. I'm helping." Horo responded. "Ren is important to both of us. I want him to be happy. Hao was just trying to control his mind. Don't you care about that?"

Yoh turned his sad face towards his friend. Red marks where down his face, and his eyes were puffy from crying. "Ren can go do what he wants! If he wants Hao to take control of his mind, so be it!"

"YOU THINK THAT REN WANTS HIS MIND UNDER HAO'S CONTROL!" Horo yelled; he then tried to get control of his emotions, so he ended up growling instead on yelling. "He loves you, Yoh! Do you realise how lucky you are? You have someone that loves you, and I know that you love him!"

"I don't care." Yoh retorted. "I am trying to forget him. I have Anna. I have to be with her, we're going to get married. She was right, he will hurt me. And he has."

The younger boy walked closer to Yoh. "Yoh . . ." He started. "You know how Ren's mind works. It is very hard for him to admit his feelings. When he starts getting confused, when he thinks he's becoming weak he works on autopilot from his fathers lessons. You should know that by now." He said softly. "Do you honestly not love him anymore?"

More tears started to fall down the Shaman Kings face. "I still love him." He sobbed. "But Hao . . ." Yoh put his hands over his face.

"Hao is not important." Horo retorted. "If you love Ren then it doesn't matter. Ren is in my room, go to him. See if you two can sort this out."

"Hao is stronger then me." Yoh said sadly. "He has enough power to get what he wants. And he wants Ren."

"Go to him!" Horo replied firmly.

The shorter boy nodded, surprised by Horo's firmness. He walked out of his room and down the corridor to Horo's room. When he reached it he hesitated, however knowing that if he didn't go in Horo would be very angry at him, he had to enter. But how would his friend know if Yoh went in or not? Yoh could always lie to him. But Horo would most likely ask Ren. _Dam_. Yoh thought. He reached for the handle and entered his friends' room.

Upon entering Yoh saw Ren looking at himself in the full length mirror. Yoh smiled at this, Ren was only wearing his floffy black trousers and his shoes. "Aren't we a bit self obsessed?" Yoh asked jokily.

The younger boy quickly turned around. When he heard the voice he almost had a heart attack, he was afraid that it might be Hao because they had the same tone of voice. However seeing that it was Yoh, Ren calmed down. "I thought you were Hao." Ren explained why he jumped.

"Would you like it to be?" Yoh asked.

"Hardly."

The eldest of the two walked towards the other. "Ren . . ." He started. "I . . . I am sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have acted like I did. I just got jealous. I thought that you liked Hao more then me." He stopped took a deep breath. "I shouldn't have treated you like that."

"Why are you saying this?" Ren said slowly. "You shouldn't have to apologise. I should be the one doing that." Ren took a small step away from Yoh. "I have treated you very badly. I'm not exactly a very good boyfriend."

"We both are bad boyfriends."

"No you're not!" Ren contradicted him. "You have never lied to me."

"Ren . . ." Yoh never got to finish his sentence.

At that moment Hao decided to walk in, he took one look around the room then walked over to Ren and pushed Yoh away from him. "I thought that you'll be here." Hao said smugly.

Yoh was now on the floor, from being pushed away. "Get out of my house Hao." Yoh growled.

A look of surprise graced Hao's face but was soon covered with a smirk. "Is my lesser half getting a bit angry?" Hao mocked him. "That's a surprise."

"Get out of my house and stay away from my boyfriend!" Yoh shouted at his elder brother. Ren stared at him, and then smiled. "We are still going out aren't we?" Yoh asked Ren, who nodded.

Hao scowled, Ren was _his_, and no one was going to take him away. "Stay away from _my_ Ren, Yoh." Hao warned. "If you don't then I will have to get rid of you." Hao raised a hand and fire burst to life in his palm.

The fire flickered and grew in size. Yoh looked at it nervously, he knew that his twin was dangerous and a psychopath, however he was unaware how far he would go to be with Ren. From what Horo said about him trying to control his mind, Yoh was convinced that Hao was determined to get Ren. Yoh took a step back as the fire shot at him, "Stay way from my boyfriend. I don't care if you do kill me."

At this Ren got scared, he wouldn't let Yoh die for him. Hao shot another spurt of fire at Yoh. Ren had to think quickly, he had to save Yoh from Hao but he didn't know a way to do so the only thing that would make Hao stop is. . . Ren walked up to Hao and placed a hand on his arm. "If I go away with you will you leave Yoh alone?"

The fire stopped its attack and the Asakura twins looked strangely at Ren. "What do you mean?" Hao asked.

"WHAT!" Yoh cried.

Ren took in a deep breath. "If I leave here with you, will you promise not to hurt Yoh?"

Hao contemplated it for all of a second before nodding, the flame now gone. "Say your goodbye's. We leave tonight." Hao kissed Ren quickly, and then disappeared in a flash.

A single tear ran down Yoh's face as he watched Ren walk out of Horo's room. "Ren!" Yoh shouted out to his friend, who turned to face him standing in the doorway. "Why are you doing this?"

"I don't want to see you hurt." Ren said simply. "I couldn't bare to see you hurt again, especially not because of me. If I go with him he will leave you alone, its better this way. Trust me."

"No." Yoh said running to Ren and hugging him tightly, never wanting to let him go. "I won't let him take you away. I would rather die then let you go with him and be unhappy. Not because of me."

"Yoh this is not your choice. Its mine, so let me do what I think is right." Ren hugged him back. "If you die I will never be able to forgive myself especially if I can do something to prevent it." Ren buried his head into the crock of Yoh's neck. "I will always love you, Yoh. You know that don't you?"

"Yes." Yoh said holding back more tears. "I love you too, Ren. You that too, right?"

"Of course I do." Ren took his head away from Yoh's neck and looked up at his face. He placed a quick kiss on his lips then detached himself from Yoh. He looked at the floor and walked to his room, packing for his departure.

At dinner he told everyone that he was leaving that night, not saying why. His news brought varied reactions; Chocolove made some random joke but was secretly sad, Ryu said some nonsense about a happy place, Manta didn't say anything, Faust looked at him weirdly, Anna smirked happily, Horo jumped across the table and hugged him as hard as possible and Yoh looked down at the floor still holding back his tears.

That night he sat down cross legged on his bed wondering where his was going, what it would be like and trying to forget who his was going with. He looked around the room keeping a mental picture of everything. A picture of him and all his friends rested on his desk. He got up and walked over to it. He picked it up carefully, taking it over to bag he placed it into it. He didn't want to forget his friends, ever.

A harsh wind blew in threw his open window. A pair of hands took hold of his shoulders, "Ready to go." Hao said, it wasn't a question so Ren didn't answer. Whether he was ready or not he had to go.

Ren turned around to face a smiling Hao. "You had better not hurt them." Ren threatened. Hao laughed evilly at him, obviously not taking him seriously. "If you do I will kill myself again." Ren said sternly, cutting of Hao's mirth.

"Fine then." Hao said emotionlessly. He grabbed hold of Ren's arm. He let Ren pick up his back before taking him to the window. The Spirit of Fire was waiting for them outside the window; Ren took one last look at his room before Hao practically dragged him onto his large guardian ghost. "Come my love you are now starting a whole new life."

SOF took off into the night. _I liked my old life_, Ren thought sadly. He watched the only place his thought he belonged slowly fade away as SOF moved further away from it. He wished he had had more time with Yoh and the others. Hao took hold his waist bringing them closer together. Ren tried to ignore him; all he wanted was to be with his friends and boyfriend. _At least Yoh is safe_. _Goodbye Yoh, I love you_.

* * *

With me

* * *

SM: Sorry it's short but I thought that it's a good place to leave it.

Cliffy?

_How will Yoh react to being alone?_

_Where is Hao taking Ren?_

_What will Horo do now that his secret crush is gone?_

_Is Hao really going to leave Yoh and his friends alone?_

Ren: Shut up!

SM: cries He's mean!

Horo: You shouldn't be mean to the authoress or she will make you enjoy being with Hao!

Ren: screams and runs around in circles

SM: Review please!


	8. UPDATE! To love devine

SM: I am so sorry! I haven't done any fanfics in two + years! I had promised someone that I would get some of my fics more chapters in a month, and that was four months ago. I AM SORRY! I am not going to make up excuses, but I am sorry. I will continue though it will most likely be complete and utter randomness, but most of my stories are never really thought out so it won't be any difference. I don't own Shaman King. Enjoy! **R&R**

Thanks to the reviewers - Hikari Aiko, WaterSpriteGirl, YaoiFan26 - these are just my latest ones, I want to thank you all though. Oh and Llamachick I have seen Princess Bride, I have liked it since it was first released (And that was when I was a kid) is the end of the last chappy really like it, if so then it was probably my mind going to it (I can quote nearly the whole film ;) Thanks for the review.

I hate doing this but if I don't get at least two reviews then I may not continue (I don't mind if they just say 'Hi I've read it' I just want to know that someone out there has read it.) PLEASE REVIEW!! (Even though I am a bad authoress and haven't updated in ages, and don't deserve it!)

* * *

In a cave

* * *

Ren woke up to the sound of a drip. He listened to it intently, _drip, drop, drip, drop, drip, drop_. It was as regular as clockwork. It hypnotized him; he closed his eyes, focusing his breathing to be like the drip. His body calmed and his mind went blank.

He was brought out of his hypnosis by a hand on his cheek. He didn't open his eyes in fear of the face he would see, although he already had a very good guess as to who it would be. "Will you not even look at me?" Hao asked in a hushed voice.

Ren's eyes remained closed. "No. You look too much like the actual person I love." Ren replied coldly.

A hand swiftly met Ren's cheek, the pain of the sting grew and Ren hissed at the sensation from the firm smack. "You will learn to love me, _my_ Ren." Hao breathed into Ren's ear sending a chill to travel up his spin.

"I will never be _yours_." Ren sneered. Hao smirked at him; he reached out and took Ren's hand in his. Without a word he ran his fingertip down the centre of his hand. Where the finger touched it came up in a red burn mark, running from the base of the hand to his middle finger.

When Hao released his hand Ren pulled it against his chest, looking at Hao is pure hatred. "Now you are looking at me." Hao laughed, it was a cruel harsh sound. "This," He snatched Ren's hand again, bringing it to his mouth and pressing a would-be soft kiss to it, "Is my mark. My claim to you. You _belong _to me."

"I hate you." Ren spat at him. Hao pressed his hand to Ren's forehead. With that the Chinese boy's world turned to blackness.

* * *

Yoh's house

* * *

Anna was happy. It was a rare occasion, she wasn't often happy. Grumpy, yes. Anger, oh yeah. But happy, that happened once in a blue moon. When she felt it, it was like a rush of the sea. It lingered for a while it marks the sand then goes in with the tide. Usually it lasted up to two hours, at most. Though this happiness had stayed for four now. She wasn't yelling, as much, and even smiled. She was happy that Hao had followed through with his end of the bargain. What bargain, you may ask. Well the one he and her had made, of course.

As Anna wanted to be the Shaman Queen she needed a full-proof plan that will allow her to be Yoh's fiancé, and getting rid if the little Chinese shaman was a good start. Hao wasn't all that interested in being Shaman King anymore, as long as he had the boy he wanted he would be able to settle for waiting another 500 years (That's right, yeah?), taking the soul of his boy with him. So they decided to work together. Anna making his other half stringer, so when they combine they will be even stronger, and getting her power.

You see Anna has ambition, and that is being strong, being the Shaman Queen will make her strong. She wants to be the best. Crushing a few hearts is alright with her as long as she gets what she wants. Now the next part of the plan is harder. Making Yoh want her as his wife. Though, she smirked, at least the main problem is gone, and as long as Hao keeps up his end of the bargain it will be fine.

* * *

Yoh's house (different place)

* * *

Yoh and Horo sat opposite each other. Neither speaking, neither doing anything significant, just looking at each other with blank eyes.

Horo broke the silence. "We could . . . um . . . try to find him." He looked at Yoh hopefully, wishing for the cheerful shaman to say a good plan or laugh. Anything to re-awaken the dead brown eyes.

"How?" Yoh said his voice monotone.

The Ainu looked at Yoh helplessly now. "I don't know. But there must be something we can do." He sounded a little desperate. "He's your boyfriend and my best friend. We can't just give up. If we get the whole gang to help I'm sure we can save him!"

Yoh got up and walked to the window at the end of his bedroom (where they were sat on the floor). "We can't win. We have never won against Hao. It's all useless."

_SMACK!_

Horo stood glaring at Yoh. Yoh's face turned to one side, a red hand print situated on his right cheek. "DON'T SAY THAT! That isn't you! Your meant to have hope and be happy. You're supposed to pull us through! Just because your psychopathic brother has taking Ren doesn't mean it's the end of the world! Its not meant to be this way." Horo had tears running down is face. "We can win. I know it. But we need you to know it, so you can help us all."

Yoh looked at his friend bitterly, his face turning similar to Hao's for a moment. "I am not your damn cheerleader. Am I not allowed to be sad every once in a while? I can bloody well do what I like; I can be depressed if I want! I am entitled to right now!"

"You have to keep strong for everyone's sake!"

"I want to do something for my own sake! I always think of everyone else before me! Let me have it for me this once!"

Horo turned his back on Yoh. "What about Ren? Do you not want to save him?" Horo walked to the door on the verge of leaving. "You can have your own little pity party. But I for one am going to think of a way to save my best friend. If you ever truly loved him you will come and help me. But if your party is too much fun to leave then I don't want you to come crying to me."

The door echoed as the older boy left. Yoh raised his hand to his cheek, looked at the door. With a small whimper he fell to the floor, closing his eyes. Small tears trickled over his face. He wrapped his arms around himself and wished they were really the ones of the boy he loved more than anything else in the world.

* * *

Horo's room

* * *

Leaning over a piece of paper on his desk Horo had written down any ideas he could think of to bring Ren back. So far not much luck, though he was very pleased with what was on the piece of paper; there was a heart that said '_Ren is love_' inside it, a crudely drawn stick figure of Hao that was standing in flames with his hair on fire, a snowboard design, and a stick figure Ren with his weapon and a stick Horo standing next to him, along with lots of Ren's names in hearts and one with _Ren 4 Horo_. Looking over it Horo laughed, then sobered up upon remembering what he was trying to do.

There was a smash as the door jumped back on its hinges. A figure was silhouetted in the doorway. Horo smirked at the figure. "What can I do to help?" The figure asked.

"I knew I could count on you." Horo grinned.

* * *

A/N: - WHEWW!! IT'S FINALLY DONE! (The chapter I mean. Not the whole thing).

It's short but I think there's a few plot bunnies in there.

I will try to update a least once a fortnight. If people send me their love in the form a reviews and want me to continue. If I get reviews then I know people want me to continue.

Oh and - Hikari Aiko would the song 'Famous last words' by my chemical romance be okay as the song fic. Was going to start writing it after this but decided that I should ask you as some people have a big thing against the band. If you don't like then that's ok there's another song I could do, 'Turn back time' by Vengaboys. Which would you like??

BTW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING TO CHANGE MY NAME FROM SATURNMAX TO LILLYBE BEFORE I UPDATE THE NEXT CHAPTER. Not like anyone really cares but I thought I should tell you.


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